How Did You Stop Being a People-Pleaser?

How Did You Stop Being a People-Pleaser?

For me, it has been a long road back, because underneath my people-pleasing there was something far deeper at play than a pattern, namely a survival mechanism, and I want to stress that word, survival, for it is an immediate reaction in the body that fires long before the mind can do anything about it, which is exactly why it is so hard to change. People-pleasing very often grows from this deeper root, which is called the fawn response, this being a survival strategy of pleasing, appeasing others and making sure they are good in order to stay safe, and it is closely woven with what is called codependency and with self-abandonment, the pattern of leaving ourselves in order to keep connected (which by the way we as humans are intrinsically hard-wired to do)... therefore the way out is far less a matter of simply stopping a behaviour or pivoting, than of untangling it, gently and over time, until we can remain connected to ourselves whilst remaining in relationship with others.

What helped me enormously was becoming aware of both angles, the everyday pattern of pleasing and the survival mechanism beneath it, and alongside this, working on my self-value, esteem and sense of self, since the two mechanisms went hand in hand... the more I practised having a choice, and choosing what felt healthy and good for me in that moment, the more my sense of my own value grew, so that the two grew together.


Why "just stop" wasn’t ever going to work

Most of the advice we receive about people-pleasing comes down to an instruction simply to stop, or to say no more often and also this one: to care less about what others think. However, for many of us the yes was never simply a habit, for it was a survival mechanism, meaning, it the way an adaptation formed usually at a young age that kept connection and safety intact long before. We did not have the know-how or rational way of thinking to have it another way.. Gabor Maté describes this as the tension between attachment and authenticity, two needs that every child carries, and when being our authentic selves threatens the attachment we depend on, attachment will always win in childhood. Why? Because a child cannot survive without the adults who care for them... therefore we learn, very early and very thoroughly, to give up parts of ourselves in order to stay connected.

This is why willpower alone so rarely works, and why it can even make the pattern stick more deeply, since when we push hard against a survival mechanism, the protective parts within us, which Richard Schwartz describes in Internal Family Systems, push back from the inside, for they are doing exactly what they were created to do, which is to protect us…. and they are extremely good at it. Then, when we inevitably "fail" at stopping, we turn it back on ourselves for not doing it perfectly (a double whammy), panic and guilt can arise, and soon we find ourselves fighting the guilt as well as the pattern, so that each round of pushing and failing quietly solidifies the very thing we were trying to change. Thus, telling ourselves to stop can land as one more thing we are failing at, which I explore more fully in the blog What is the difference between people-pleasing and fawning? In my experience, and in the women I work with, what lasts is a slower and more compassionate untangling, in which we come to understand the pattern, meet ourselves with compassion and then begin, in small and real ways, to live differently.

Understanding was only the beginning

Understanding why I gave my space away has been one part of the work, whilst the other needed part was discovering that I could actually choose differently. Moreover, to meet everything that choice brought up in me emotionally and physically, has been another part altogether. Many of the women who come to me can explain their patterns beautifully and yet their lives remain moving around everybody else, because insight on its own tends to stay solely in the head, whereas change needs to be lived through the body, one choice at a time. Thus, after reflection comes action, however small, because without it nothing becomes embodied…. Important to know and remember is that most of this action means acting before the choice feels in any way comfortable…. and then staying with whatever rises in us afterwards rather than rushing to undo it.

Discovering there was a choice at all

For me, choosing myself has never simply been about saying no. Firstly, I had to discover that there was a choice there at all... the yes so often arrived before any choice could appear, as though my own wishes had no time to surface before I had already agreed. I was dumbfounded, until I came across the knowing that the psychotherapist Pete Walker, in Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving, describes. He talks about what he calls emotional flashbacks, sudden regressions into the feeling-states of childhood, such as fear, shame or helplessness, without any visual memory to tell us that what we are feeling is old, so that in the middle of an ordinary conversation we may suddenly feel small and find ourselves agreeing before we know what we want. One of the first steps he suggests is simply to say to ourselves that we are having a flashback, which can be surprisingly steadying, because it reminds us that the danger we are feeling belongs to then rather than now. I would also tell myself that I am safe in the now…  and compassionately place my hand on my heart and repeat this in kind words.

One of the simplest things that helped me enormously was not saying yes in the moment, and saying "I'll think about it" instead, because a boundary doesn’t  have to arrive in the moment itself... it can begin simply by giving ourselves enough space to discover what we want in the first place, which I write about more in the blog Why do I feel so guilty after finally saying no?

When the pleasing is really fawning

When people-pleasing is a simple pattern or habit, with an underlying belief we need to be kind and easy to be around, for instance, it can often shift once we notice it and practise choosing differently, whereas when it is a fawn response, formed within a child who could neither leave nor defend themselves, it requires more gentler path. A fawn response lives within the body long before it lives in our knowing, therefore it fires off before the mind can do anything with it, and it will only begin to trust a new way of being at a pace the body can accept. This is where compassion becomes the real change-maker, far more than confidence or willpower, for the young part of us that learned to read every face and smooth every mood deserves to be honoured for what it did, rather than criticism directed inward and self blame… and it may need to be shown, again and again and very gently, that we are no longer the child who had no power, no way out and nobody to turn to… This is where I speak kindly to myself so that it feels safe and held. 

When the person you are pleasing is not safe for you

There is something I need to emphasise, because it is so often missing from the advice on people-pleasing: the usual steps of pausing, saying no and holding your ground, do not work in the same way when your no when your no is met with rage... from the other person, coldness, silence, punishment, covert aggression or gaslighting. In relationships with somebody who behaves narcissistically, where agreement is expected rather than asked for and where love seems to depend on admiring them, or never disagreeing and never becoming a problem - the fawn response tends to deepen rather than soften, since pleasing becomes the way we try to keep ourselves safe from the next reaction. It is worth naming narcissism exactly as it is, as a pattern of behaviour, because recognising it can end years of self-blame, and make note: remembering that we do not need to diagnose anybody before we are allowed to protect ourselves... the way we are treated as well as our no is treated is reason enough.

Because fawning carries so much self-blame, this is very hard to see from the inside of these kinds of dynamics in relationships, therefore please do speak with somebody you trust, and when you are being hurt, threatened or controlled, Veilig Thuis (Safe at Home) on 0800 2000 offers free advice, day and night and if you wish anonymously, even before you know what to call what is happening and when you are in  immediate danger you can call 112. I will write more fully about narcissistic relationships and fawning in a coming piece, as this subject deserves far more room than this single section can give.

Why don't I know what I want?

When we have spent years being the understanding one (and who really worked hard at understanding the other), the agreeable one, or the one who anticipates what everybody else needs… we may not immediately know who we are outside of these roles. Furthermore, we may not even feel that we deserve to be anybody different or to receive anything more. Our attention was trained so early to go outwards, towards other people's moods, needs and reasons…so much so that our own wishes grew quieter and they are harder to find. Therefore, when somebody finally asks us what we would like, we may meet a strange numbness or blankness instead of an answer...

The questions that open the way back are ordinary ones... What do I prefer? What do I feel? What is too much for me? What would I choose if I did not first have to consider the other person's reactions? They may sound simple, however when so much of our attention has belonged to somebody else’s world, finding our own answers… takes time, compassion and it’s a path to walk with kindness rather than a problem to solve. We are returning home to ourselves and it’s a noble path to walk…  I often speak about returning inward before reaching outward. Therefore to notice in the body, when it’s a yes and when a  no, i.e. feeling more openness in one direction and a little more tightness in the other… Hence, learning to listen for it becomes the foundation of trusting ourselves again (I describe a simple way to feel this in the blog  Why do I feel so guilty after finally saying no?). For me, this was a road back to what I want and wish for, to what I need in a particular situation as well as my own true values…  and walking it has been one of the most important parts of my journey to wholeness and back home to me.

In many shamanic traditions, the wounds of childhood are understood as moments in which parts of the soul are lost, and gathering those parts back is seen as one of the great works of adulthood, which I find a tender and truthful way of seeing this path. Each time we notice a preference, or voice a disagreement (whether awkward or not), or let ourselves want something simply because we feel we’d like it, a lost piece comes home…Lastly, we learn, slowly…  that our first belonging is with ourselves and that love does not require our disappearance.

What is codependency, and how far does it reach?

The word codependency grew out of treatment for addictions, where it first described the partners and families of people with alcohol and drug dependence, and during the 1980s writers such as Pia Mellody widened its meaning to describe a pattern of relating that can grow from any less-than-nurturing childhood. It isn’t  a formal diagnosis and doesn’t  appear in the main diagnostic manuals, and therefore, we can use the word as a way of recognising a pattern rather than a label that defines us. In Facing Codependence, Mellody describes it as showing up in our relationship with ourselves as much as in our relationships with others, with difficulties in feeling a healthy sense of self-esteem, in setting boundaries, and in knowing and meeting our own needs and wants.

What surprised me most, looking more deeply into codependency, was how far the pattern reached, which was beyond the things I agreed to and into where I placed my attention, also how much I carried and how easily my own wishes could disappear before I had even discovered what they were. It can mean feeling responsible for another person's mood, finding that being needed has become entangled with feeling valuable, or feeling uneasy when somebody offers us something with love. Please remember that our care is real and so is our understanding… however, fear, responsibility, guilt and shame can become so woven through them that we can hardly tell a choice from something we truly feel we have no choice over… part of the healing is gently separating the two, so that our care becomes something we give freely rather than something we owe.

Being met before I could meet myself

There were things I could only begin to meet within myself because somebody was first willing to support me there with care and without judgement, and much of that happened during my training with Gabor Maté, where being held in this way was itself part of what changed me. The psychoanalyst Donald Winnicott called this kind of space a holding environment, a relationship safe, steady and attuned enough for what we have kept hidden to finally be felt and held. I have come to understand it as relational holding, which is the experience of being held by another until we can learn to hold ourselves.

I'm going to stress at this point that right the people matter here, for a pattern formed in relationship tends to heal in relationship too, plus alongside professional support, I have felt this in friendships where I can share what is tender without making myself smaller, and in the circles I hold, where women practise being themselves among others without having to keep anybody pleased. We truly have our own intelligence and our own capacity for knowing and healing…  however, we were never meant to make this whole journey alone.

Coming home to the Self

Richard Schwartz, who developed Internal Family Systems, describes a core Self beneath all our protective parts, which is not itself a part and which he characterises through qualities such as calm, curiosity, clarity and compassion and he calls it Self-leadership when this Self, rather than a frightened protector, is the one leading. I find this a helpful way of describing what changed in me, since the work was never to become somebody new, but to come home to my own thoughts, my body, my feelings, my preferences and my limits, so that the protective part which once had to please everybody no longer has to run my life on its own… it can have well deserved rest from all of its hard work keeping me safe.

Perhaps the clearest sign of this, for me, is that somebody can be angry with me, disagree with me or not approve of me, without their reaction becoming the final measure of my worth and who I am... that is the practice, and it is also a great freedom. The psychologist Julian Rotter described the difference between feeling that life simply happens to us and feeling that we have some say in how we respond, which he called locus of control, and I have found that the question "Why is this happening to me?" often keeps me stuck, whereas "What can I choose from here?" opens something. This is an actionable step- this choice, for it allows us to honour what was truly outside our control, especially in childhood, whilst looking for where we do have a choice now, however small it may be.

What helped me, and what it looks like now

It was a great relief to understand that feeling guilty is part of this and that it’s okay to feel guilty, for the guilt does not mean we have done something wrong, it often simply means we are doing something different (which I explore in the blog Why do I feel so guilty after finally saying no?). What also helped me was stating something without over-explaining it, giving myself the chance to say what I mean and then letting it stand, rather than surrounding it with a barrage of reasons.

I was somebody who said sorry profusely, for everything, so I began practising something that may sound inconsequential, yet was not small at all for me: not saying sorry for the fact that I exist. When I bump into somebody, or when I say no, the impulse still comes to say sorry straight away and give an explanation, and I stopped doing that... no, no, no, I no longer apologise for taking up space.

Healing has not meant that I no longer feel guilty, nor that the old yes never rises in me, since I still wobble at times, however, the guilt can now come and go without deciding for me, and I can feel the pull to please without obeying it straight away. I give more often because I choose to give, I am learning to receive without immediately having to repay (which I write about in the blog  Devotion or Depletion?), and there is more room in my life for what matters to me too.

Ways forward

The first step is simply to notice the moment the yes begins to rise, and to give yourself a little time with words such as "I'll think about it", so that a choice has space to show up. When you suddenly feel small, anxious or ashamed in an ordinary moment, it can help to name it quietly to yourself as an emotional flashback, then feel your feet on the floor, feel your breath and remind yourself that you are grown now, with more choices than the little self once had.

You might also begin to notice how often you say sorry, particularly when you have done nothing wrong, such as when somebody bumps into you, or when you take up space or when you say no and practise letting one of those apologies go unsaid, and being with whatever you feel in your body afterwards.

Practise the questions of wanting in low-stakes moments, such as what you would like to eat, how you would like to spend an evening, or what feels like too much this week, because, knowing what we want is a capacity that grows with us using it. You might also try one small, honest response where you would usually simply agree, such as "I agree with part of that, and I see the rest a little differently", noticing what happens in your body before, during and afterwards, without needing it to feel comfortable yet… 

Finally, let yourself be met, whether by a trusted friend, a circle of women or a professional, since like I said previously, so much of this pattern was formed in relationship and so much of its healing happens there too… also, please make room for the grief that may arise (and it may surprise you) for the years spent keeping everybody else pleased.

When to seek support

It can make a real difference to explore this with a trained professional or therapist when your yes arrives before you have had any chance to think, when even alone you struggle to know what you want, or when a simple disagreement floods your body with panic or shame. Your huisarts (family doctor) is a good place to begin when anxiety, exhaustion or low mood have stayed with you for weeks.

NOTE: A relationship where your no is not safe is often very hard to recognise from the inside, since the self-blame that fawning carries can make it feel as though the problem is you, therefore it may be time to speak with somebody when you notice that you:

are walking on eggshells around somebody's moods

doubt your own memory or perception after a conversation

rehearse how to phrase things so as not to cause a reaction

feel you must explain and justify every choice

are seeing friends or family less, without quite knowing how it happened

feel relief when the other person is out of the house

meet anger, coldness, silence or punishment whenever you say no

When you are being hurt, threatened or controlled, please, you can call Veilig Thuis (Safe at Home) on 0800 2000, free, day and night and anonymously if you wish, or 112 if you are in immediate danger.

Questions and answers

Can you ever completely stop being a people-pleaser?

For most of us the pattern doesn’t  vanish entirely, however, it can lose its authority and grip on us, so that the urge to please may still arise without deciding for us, and over time we can choose more freely whether, when and how we give.

Why don't I know what I want?

When our attention was trained from an early age towards other people's needs and moods, our own wishes often grow very quiet and it’s hard to find, therefore not knowing what we want is very common after years of people-pleasing or fawning, and the good news is that it usually returns gradually as we practise asking ourselves what we prefer, feel and have room for.

What is codependency?

Codependency describes a pattern of relating in which our sense of worth and safety becomes tied to looking after, pleasing or managing other people, often at the cost of our own needs, feelings and boundaries. The term began in addiction treatment and was later widened by writers such as Pia Mellody to describe patterns that can grow from any less-than-nurturing childhood.

Is codependency a diagnosis?

No, codependency is not a formal diagnosis and does not appear in the main diagnostic manuals, so it is best understood as a way of recognising a pattern rather than as a label.

What is an emotional flashback?

An emotional flashback, a term from the psychotherapist Pete Walker, which is a sudden return to the feelings of childhood, such as fear, shame or helplessness, without a visual memory of what happened, so that we may feel small or overwhelmed in a present-day moment without knowing why. It’s a body feeling and it may be overwhelming.

Can I stop people-pleasing if I'm in a relationship with a narcissist?

Yes, change is possible, however, when your no is met with rage, coldness, punishment, danger or gaslighting, the usual advice to hold your ground may not keep you safe, therefore it matters to seek support from somebody you trust, and in the Netherlands Veilig Thuis (Safe at Home) on 0800 2000 offers free and anonymous advice.

A gentle invitation

Untangling people-pleasing is not a single act of courage, because it’s a slow return to your own wishes, your body and your voice, at a pace your body can trust, and it is so much easier when somebody walks beside you. This is the work I love sharing with women, whether in 1:1 sessions, which is rooted in Compassionate Inquiry and somatic awareness, or in the NewMoon Women's Circle at De Roos, where you can practise being yourself among other women and be held rather than carrying it all alone.

With warmth and care

Wen-Wei

Wen-Wei Ong is the founder of Rest2Flow, a trauma-informed practitioner and mentor for women in Amsterdam and online, working with somatic and body-based practice, depth-oriented enquiry, hypnotherapeutic and guided imagery work, ritual and cyclical wisdom.