What Is the Difference Between People-Pleasing and Fawning?

What Is the Difference Between People-Pleasing and Fawning?

People-pleasing and fawning can look almost the same, as both mean putting another person's wishes before our own, however they stem from different places. People-pleasing is usually a learned way of keeping things pleasant and of being liked or avoiding the discomfort of disagreement, whereas fawning is a survival response, often called the fawn response, in which the body seeks safety by pleasing, appeasing and accommodating somebody whose reaction feels dangerous. The difference matters, because people-pleasing, as a pattern, can often shift once we notice it and practise choosing differently, whereas fawning tends to tighten us up the harder we push against it, because it was created in childhood as a way of staying safe, therefore it first asks to be understood and met with compassion before it can begin to soften... and for many of us, the two live side by side, so that we may please out of a pattern one moment and out of a much older fear the next.

Why does the difference matter?

Most advice about people-pleasing comes down to an instruction, which is to stop doing it, to say no more often and to care less about what others think, and for some women this works well enough, since what they are carrying is a pattern, an old wish to be seen as kind, reasonable and easy to be around. However, when the pleasing grew out of fear, out of a childhood in which disagreement, anger or simply taking up space was met with yelling, coldness, shaming, humiliation, punishment or danger, the instruction to stop can land as one more thing we are failing at, and the harder we push against the pattern, the more tightly it seems to hold on, rather like a fine gold chain that knots further each time we pull hard on one end and only loosens through gentle pulls, a little on every side, bit by bit.

This is why it helps to know which one we are meeting, for a learned pattern can often be practised into something new, whereas a protective response was learned by the body long before language, so that it fires before the mind even realises, and therefore it deserves to be understood and met with compassion before it is asked to change, since it will only trust a new way of being at a pace the body can accept..

Are there different kinds of keeping the peace?

Yes, and naming them can be helpful. Sometimes we keep the peace because we are just tired, because the conversation would be uncomfortable or because we simply don't want to deal with somebody's disappointment afterwards. Other times we keep it because we want to be liked, so that we would rather swallow a disagreement or our own point of view than disturb the image of ourselves as kind and agreeable, which the author Harriet Lerner, in The Dance of Anger, calls de-selfing, the slow trading away of parts of ourselves to keep a relationship calm.

Then there is a deeper kind of keeping the peace, which deserves far more honour and dignity than it usually receives, where being agreeable was never simply a wish to be liked, but the way a child stayed safe, at a time when they could neither leave nor defend themselves in that situation and when standing up for themselves would have cost them dearly. A child in this situation learns to watch and be vigilant, to anticipate and to please, and from the outside this can look like calm and even peaceful, whilst inside there is a great deal of activation, a body constantly reading, adjusting and trying not to get it wrong…. This is what we mean by fawning.

"What do I want?" or "What is safe for me to want?"

Perhaps the clearest way to feel the difference is through the question running beneath our yes. When we are people-pleasing, the question tends to be "What do I want?", answered and then quietly set aside for the sake of harmony, so that we usually still know, even as we agree, that we don't have the energy for this or that we disagree. When we are fawning, the question underneath is a different one entirely, namely "What is safe for me to want, to say, or even to show?", and in the moment itself our own wishes may not be reachable at all, as though the part of us that knows has stepped back so that the part that keeps us safe can take over.

The psychotherapist Pete Walker, in Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving, describes an unspoken code that fawning lives by, in which it feels "safer to listen than to talk, to agree than to dissent", and safer, too, to offer care than to ask for help, to draw the other person out than to express ourselves, and to leave the choices to them rather than voice our own preferences, so that over the years we may become very skilled at knowing what everybody else wants, whilst our own wishes grow quieter and harder to find.

How can I tell which one I am in?

The difference is rarely obvious or neat, and most of us move along a spectrum rather than belonging to one side or the other, however there are a few ways to see..

The first is how much is at stake in the body, for people-pleasing tends to carry the fear of being thought rude, selfish or difficult, whereas fawning brings a sense of danger that is alarmingly out of proportion to the moment, a bodily tightening, a flood of panic or shame, or a feeling of powerlessness that seems to belong to somewhere much older than the conversation in front of us.

The second is speed, because in fawning we very often say yes before we have discovered whether we want to, so that we only realise afterwards, sometimes hours or days later, how much we did not want what we already agreed to, because our body flags it once the moment has passed.

The third is where our attention goes, for in fawning so much of it travels towards the other person (what are they thinking, what mood are they in, what might upset them, what could I do to prevent it) so much so that there is hardly any space left for knowing what we feel ourselves, and we may find ourselves explaining somebody else's behaviour so carefully that our own experience gets lost in the explanation.

In the women I sit with, whether in 1:1 sessions or in the Woman's Circle, what I notice most is how other-focused their attention is, so that even in a space set aside entirely for them, it keeps travelling outward, towards everybody else, towards what other people might be thinking or feeling and why they are the way they are, before it can find its way back home.

Gabor Maté, writing in When the Body Says No, describes compulsive pleasing not as an inborn trait but as an adaptation acquired in childhood, and he treats it, whether we call it fawning or people-pleasing, as growing from the same root, the child's need to stay attached even at the cost of their authenticity (which (which I explore more fully in Why do I feel so guilty after finally saying no?). This is why, for so many of us, the two are woven together, with a fawn response sitting quietly beneath a more everyday pattern of pleasing.

What about the capable person nobody worries about?

There is a form of this pattern that hides especially well, because it doesn't look like pleasing at all, but it is cloaked in looking like strength. It belongs to the woman who sees what needs doing before anyone asks, who reads the emotional temperature of a room the moment she walks in, takes on the extra work that nobody else noticed and who holds everyone's feelings whilst her own wait in a queue that never quite reaches the front. What’s more is that society admires her for this, therefore she may even feel proud of it, which is precisely what makes it so hard to see, for it becomes a cage built from her own capabilities, sustained by her without her ever knowing, with resentment and bitterness gathering quietly underneath. What we cannot see we cannot choose differently, thus the first step is not to change anything at all, but simply to recognise the pattern for what it is. Awareness is key.

Where does narcissism come into it?

Fawning very often grows up around a parent or caregiver whose moods ruled the house, sometimes a parent with strong narcissistic traits, where love depended on admiring them, agreeing with them and never becoming a problem, and where any disagreement could be met with rage, coldness, humiliation or withdrawal. A child in this atmosphere does not recognise it as a pattern, since it is simply the air they grow up breathing, and so the skills they learn there (reading a face, hearing a shift in someone's voice, making themselves agreeable before anything has even been asked) can follow them into adult relationships, where they may draw them, without knowing why, towards partners, friends or employers who behave in much the same way. The dynamic continues until it is recognised.

It is worth naming narcissism plainly, because recognising the behaviour can end years of self-blame, whilst remembering that we don't need to diagnose anybody before we are allowed to protect ourselves... the anger, the coldness, gaslighting or the punishment that meets our no is reason enough.

Ways forward

Instead of asking ourselves "Why am I still doing this?!", which so often comes with frustration and pointing fingers at ourselves, it helps to become curious, asking “Why am I still doing this?..curious…” "What was I afraid would happen if I did not agree?", "What was this part of caring so much for others trying to protect or prevent?" and "What does this part need me to understand before anything changes?". The psychotherapist Richard Schwartz, who developed Internal Family Systems, describes these as protective parts, often managers that keep us polite, accommodating and caring so that other people  will accept us, and the invitation is not to get rid of them but to understand what they are protecting (usually a forgotten and very tender part), respect their concerns and let the work move at a pace they and our body can tolerate.

It can also help to notice the thoughts that tend to arrive just before the old response, such as "I must fix this person's mood", and to be aware of "I want to say yes before I have discovered whether I really want to" or "I am explaining their feelings, whilst I have not yet looked at mine". When you notice one of these, you can give yourself time before answering, for a boundary does not have to arrive straight away as a confrontation…  it could simply begin as recognising, privately, that something is too much for you, or that you don't agree, or that you need a moment before being rushed into a reply. If you said yes when you meant no (or visa versa) you can always take it back and share that you have felt into it and changed your mind… Furthermorre,, when you feel safe enough, you can practise expressing a need or a limit without making its legitimacy depend entirely on the other person's approval.

Lastly, make room for grief, since it so often comes with this work (and it may surprise you), grief for the child who had to become so attentive to everybody else, for the feelings that could not be expressed and for the years spent trying to find peace by keeping another person pleased. As we make more room for ourselves, we may begin to meet things we have not felt for a long time, for instance, our likes and our disagreements, an anger that tells us something matters, a pleasure that needs no justification and the soft possibility of wanting something simply because it is ours.

When to seek support

It can be worth finding support when you notice that your yes arrives before you have had any chance to think, when even alone you struggle to find what you want, or when a simple disagreement floods your body with panic or shame, since a fawn response that runs this deep rarely softens through willpower, and protective parts tend to trust a new way of being only when somebody meets them with patience, care and without judgement. A trained professional or therapist can offer that kind of space, and when exhaustion, anxiety or low mood have stayed with you for weeks, your huisarts (family doctor) is a good place to begin as well.

NOTE: The skills that fawning teaches us, reading a face, smoothing a mood, making ourselves agreeable before anything is asked, can quietly lead us into relationships with people who behave much as the adults of our childhood once did, so it is important to know that not every fear belongs to the past, and that sometimes it is telling us something true about now.
A relationship may not be safe for your no when your agreement is expected rather than asked for, or when any disagreement is met with anger, coldness, silence, gaslighting or punishment, or when you find yourself shrinking your wishes before you have even voiced them, walking on eggshells or apologising for things that were never yours, when your memory of what happened is so often questioned that you begin to doubt it yourself, and when you notice you feel more like yourself whenever the other person is away.

Because fawning carries so much self-blame, these signs can be very hard to see from the inside, therefore it helps to speak with somebody you trust, and when you are being hurt, threatened or controlled, Veilig Thuis (Safe at Home) on 0800 2000 offers free advice, anonymously if you wish, even before you know what to call what is happening, and in immediate danger you can call 112.

Questions and answers

Who first described the fawn response?

The psychotherapist Pete Walker first named the fawn response in his 2003 article "Codependency, Trauma and the Fawn Response", adding it as a fourth response alongside fight, flight and freeze, and he developed it further in his 2013 book Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving.

Is fawning a diagnosis?

No, fawning is not a formal diagnosis, it is a way of describing a survival response that can develop in childhood, and many of us recognise it in ourselves without it pointing to any condition at all.

Can I be a people-pleaser without having been through trauma?

Yes, people-pleasing can grow from many places, including how girls and women are raised to be agreeable and nice, or a wish to be liked or simply a dislike of conflict, thus it isn’t always a sign of something deeper, although it is worth listening to how much fear sits beneath it.

Can I fawn and people-please at the same time?

Very often, yes, since many of us carry a fawn response beneath a more everyday habit of pleasing, so that the same woman may keep the peace out of tiredness one day and out of a much older fear the next.

Is fawning always linked to a narcissistic parent?

No, fawning can grow from many kinds of childhood environments, including neglect, unpredictability or a parent who was overwhelmed or frightening, as well as from living with somebody with strong narcissistic traits.

Is people-pleasing the same as being kind?

Not quite, for kindness is chosen and leaves us still present in ourselves, whereas pleasing, and fawning even more so, tends to cost us our own voice, so that a useful question is whether we are giving because we truly wish to, or because we are afraid of what it would mean if we did not.

A gentle invitation

Untangling people-pleasing from fawning is rarely a matter of one insight…  it is a slow and tender return to your own knowing, wishes, your body and your voice, at a pace your body can trust. This is the work I love walking alongside women with, whether in 1:1 sessions beginning with the Foundations Path, or in the NewMoon Women's Circle at De Roos, where you can practise being yourself among other women without having to keep anyone pleased.

With care and steadiness,

Wen-Wei

Wen-Wei Ong is the founder of Rest2Flow, a trauma-informed practitioner and mentor for women in Amsterdam and online, working with somatic and body-based practice, depth-oriented enquiry, hypnotherapeutic and guided imagery work, ritual and cyclical wisdom.